Where's my Hair
By MickS
Hair Loss
You’ve dreaded the moment all your life, staring into the bathroom mirror and the head staring back is, somehow, different, it has an adornment, something smooth and shiny; why, it’s almost as if someone has taken a duster and given your head a good polish. There is still hair there you tell yourself, but with little conviction, it is so thin that the bathroom light reflects back through the whisps like a mini sun.
Don’t panic, ever since hair was invented, mankind has sought the secret of keeping it where it belongs; someone must have cracked it.
The Egyptians must be a good start, they were a bright lot, well, they built the pyramids, that has to be clever. Rancid animal fat from fox and bear, mixed with powdered burnt mice, ground horse-teeth, and deer marrow, all slowly simmered and mixed, then cooled in a jar to make a massage paste to be applied every morning to the scalp. No, what do you mean, you’re not going to stink of fox or bear, or any of the other stuff for that matter; that was a present from Cleopatra to Julius Caesar, so you think you’re better than them?
All right, the ancient Greeks then, wear an ivy wreath; no, you won’t look like a twit, all right, you will, but it has benefits, it increases your desire for wine, women, and song. No.
Yarrow leaves, they’re good, rub the bald patch every morning with the leaves, it doesn’t cause more hair to grow but it stops further loss. Maybe. Then shove the leaves up your nose, sorry, that’s for nosebleeds. It’s watercress or nasturtium up the nose to combat hair loss, or the favourite of Apuleius, the 2nd century Roman writer, he swore by cyclamen leaves up the hooter. No.
Pigeon droppings? No.
Any other animal droppings, a cowpat wrapped in your hanky and tied to the head? No.
Massaging the scalp with a daffodil bulb cut in half then smearing the abraded bit with goose dung? No.
Nettle steeped in vodka then massaged in? No.
One last chance, this is from the well known psychic, Edgar Cayce, massage the scalp with pure crude oil two or three times a month, rinse with a grain alcohol, and then apply a petroleum jelly massage. No, no, no.
There’s no pleasing you so it’s got to be the modern stuff from hair care clinics then; where’s the adventure in that?
Comments
Pigeon droppings? Definitely no.
I enjoyed reading the Hub. :)
Watcha Lady,
no sense of adventure that's your trouble:-) anyway, pigeon droppings are easy, just walk around Traf Square for half an hour
best
Mick
Entertaining but maybe not so for any bald readers lol. I had an old great aunt who swore by rubbing cold tea into her hair. Her hair was thin and wispy but she was 88. Mind you her hair looked in dreadful condition because of the tea.
Thanks for the visit and comment Ethel.
best
Mick
The egyptian cure looks the best- i mean, how does anyone know what we are buying in our so called modern treatments? mind you its easy for me to say, having just spent the morning in the hairdresser having my locks feted and cut
Thanks for the visit and comment.
see, you should have read this first, saved all that time and money:-)
best
Mick
That was a nice break. Snapped me back into reality.Your answer to my question drew me in. I'm happy to laugh about it. Though I suffer in silence. It will be so nice for the future generations when their heads are larger and green and no hair grows.
Thanks for the visit and comment Paul, this is a rejig of an article that I had printed about 10 years ago.
best
Mick
Funny and useful. My hair is definitely thinning, though I doubt I would want to try to reverse this - I mean bald is beautiful, isn't it? LOL!
Love and peace
Tony
yep, Tony, it definitely is:-)
interesting article, I found the hair fountain of youth for women, it's call pre-nautel pills, seems to have worked so far, not sure that it would work for men though.
Thanks for the visit Dawn
haha, I love this!!! What a great sense of humor you have. Tell you the truth, I like bald headed men and their bulging brains. But I find it interesting that all the ancient remedies (and even Cayce's) involved stinky and disgusting substances; no pain no gain began early. Also fascinating to discover Julius Ceasar was balding... you are in powerful company!
Thanks for the visit and comment, Story... glad you liked it.
This is a funny read. Thanks for the laughs. I'm still bald(ing) but I am smiling.
Thanks for the fist Charles, glad you liked it.
way too funny. ah, blame it on the mother's genes. My son of twenty has my premature grey hair starting, and when i told him he would look like his uncle when he hit forty, i thought he would faint. can't fix it. bald is beautiful. look at mr.clean, telly savalas, or that guy on that million dollar suitcase show... hee.
Thamks for the visit and comment Meow, hope it's useful:-)
Informative yet funny, Great Hub! I'll keep in mind to NOT shove Yarrow leaves up my nose!! voted up.... of course!
Thankyou SweetSusie
My hubby is worried about his thinning hair. I just tell him I love him the way he is & not to worry so much - It makes him look more distinguished and as handsome as ever.
Thanks for the visit and comment Kat, if the ol' man keeps on worrying, make him an Ivy leaf wreath to wear and grow nasturtiums in the garden to shove up his nose, that should sort him out:-)
You have a great sense of humour. Just know that most women like balding men. It is getting very trendy for men these days to shave their heads. I love it and think it makes men look so Masculine. HMMM??? Ever thought of shaving yours?
Thamks for the visit and comment, Minne...
I don't need to shave mine off, it's dissapearing so fast:-)
You made me laugh big time! Too too funny. I don't think my mildly balding partner would appreciate me suggesting any of these remedies he might just lose more hair over the stress of wondering whether or not I will slip pigeon droppings into the shampoo! Thanks for the great hub!
Thanks for the visit and comment, Penny of H.
Hey, I just tried the crude oil and petroleum jelly and my eye lashes just fell out. I came across a funny comment you made on a hub about Anglo Saxons and had to read one of your hubs. Pretty good.
Thanks for the visit and comment, Old E.
I really am interested in trying some of these tricks...on someone else LOL...Did they actually do that??? Great nad hilarious article.
Thanks for the visit and comment, W.K.
Good Hub i like it
Thanks for the visit and comment Deepak K
Yes, by all means, don't smear croc crap on your balding pate; istead, cover it with a hat or shave your head! Anything short of expensive measures, won't bring back your beloved head of hair. Later!
Thanks for the visitmand comment Kosmo.
MickS I did not ask of your opinion on my intelligence,if I did not ask keep your mouth shut...act as if you are a mature adult instead of trying to piss off a 13 year old,be the bigger person..."obviously your not very bright"
Thanks for the visit and comment Emmykate, it's a pity that the language that you have used has shown us even more of your low intelligence. You are underage for this site, to reveal that to everyone is very stupid.
I like the daffodil bulb, it made me wonder if it also works with tulips.Probably not but I really enjoyed the hub.
Thanks for the visit and comment knickers.
Nice hub ,i really enjoyed reading your stuff .
Thanks for the visit and comment Doc.
I really loved this. You're very funny and I think it's gonna be alot of fun to follow you lol.
Thanks for the visit and comment Rusti.
best
Mick
My husband started shaving his head a few years ago. He looks great, plus saves time and money. I'm A-OK with the bald look! :)
Thanks for the visit and comment Laura.
best
Mick
It seems so tongue n cheek for some reason. Or maybe I'm too serious? Very funny though. In India/Pakistan they use a smelly mustard seed oil and they always seem to have a full head of hair.
Thanks for the visit an comment gabgirl12.
Mmmm, mustard seed that'll go in my collection.
best
Mick
GuideBringer12 2 years ago
Haha Nice man, thanks for the tips, well appreciated.